mood: sian-ness, sleepy and sadness.

have not felt SAD for quite sometime. and I'm sad now. I dont know how to say. and I dont't wish to say much here. I'm not emo. I'm just.. sad. and disappointed I guess. and dear's right. emo is just an excuse for us. to have the power to exert out everything. it has been @#$%^&* since I smile.? I lost my smile. I wanna find back my smile. where's my smile?

I may look cheerful on the surface but where has my real smile gone to? I'm not that happy afterall. and I shouldnt be like this when I have a choice to be a happy person. Sometimes, I just wanna to have someone to talk to. not the person to talk to me. I want the person to hear what I wanna say. Not the person say about their own happenings.

and friday. I guess all plans are cancelled. my initial plan of studying is gone cause I've got no mood. and thought might go out somehow, but ended up never. should I jio her out? or maybe I should just be a guai kia stay at home and my mum would be damn happy.

I told yanying that sometimes, a bf can't be a substitute for a friend no matter how loving you two are or how stable or understanding you two are. Sometimes, friends can't replace bf and vice versa. I know dear has been supportive of me and I'm happy to have him. but sometimes, I really hope that I can go out shopping with the friends that I wanna hang out with, people who I wanted to gossip with etc. and when you realised that things can't turn the clock back, it's over.

chai leng, tml will be a better day cause everyday with dear is always a happy day. and tml will be even great since we all are going to watch secret(confirm) and see fireworks. and I would enjoy myself. hope my smile will be back.

I know we can never be like before.