I teared again today. I'm emo :) chai leng is an emo girl =) yeahz.teared cause i couldn't take the stress anymore. maybe i kept somethings inside my heart too long. and luckily got dear with me, he's THE ONE who is there for me to console me.he's the one who make me feel that i'm the happiest woman.made me felt being loved. and make me feel comfortable.

I cried.mainly because of friendship. I really envy yanying a lot. ever since school reopen till now, she still can have time for her bestie. at least they will talk to each other on phone almost everyday. how i wish i would be like her. i miss the 2 of them. the secondary school life. the clique. the everything. sometimes i realised that i have missed out a lot of thing. many a times, i wonder, why am i always being left out? someone once told me something, friends are for you to be made used of. even if you don't want to make use of your friends, they will still make use of you. initially, i totally disagree but after giving some thoughts, i realised he might be right.

and it's kinda silly to cry for someone or THEM who didn't appreciate me.yeah.it's totally silly. like what dear has said to me just now. but somehow, it's hard to hide my feelings but i guess afterall i did hide my feelings well cause my classmates didn't notice the different in me. i guess. and i bet they can't be bothered too. it's hard to put on a brave front. need alot of courage to do that and people may think that i'm strong but that's only on the outside, but actually deep down in my heart, i'm very fragile.

like what dear said, life has to go on. people moved on with having new friends and gradually will forget about their 'old' friends. yes. i understand this fact but i just don't want to surrender to the fact. they said: friends forever. do they really mean it?and i'm tired of initiating. everytime it's always me. will get tired.

something to highlight:
we,as human beings, are just like puppets.we are control by people and we became the different "us" in different environment. for eg, i'm no.1 chaileng when i'm with dear. i'm no.2 chaileng when i'm with besties.i'm no.3 when i'm at home and so on. we all play different roles in different environment. everyone are just playing different roles and many a times, we do not know which is the real us for the external factors has change us to become another person. just like me. i can be very fierce at home and kind and friendly with friends. sweet and gentle with dear and so on. that's what i mean.

i told dear now that my only friends that i could rely on are yanying and jiaoni. they made me feel that i'm complete. make me find back the real me. or should i say the so called "real" me. i'm comfortable with them and with dear.

long post.but thats what i have felt today.so it's kinda long and draggy.hope readers don't fall asleep. hahas. alrights. got to go.mugging time.tml off to shrek 3!!!

darling, i'm so grateful for what you have said.you touches my heart and made me wanna cry when i think of it again. thanks so much although i always make you unhappy. muacks!i'm learning to become strong!